“You Just Have to Risk It:” Some Thoughts on Pornography, Dating, and Double Standards in Mormon Culture

            I don’t know why, but, my Stake has gone crazy talking about pornography. Three times in seven months the Stake Presidency has brought a therapist or someone in to Sunday School or Relief Society to talk to us about the threat of pornography, how to shield ourselves and our families from it, and understanding addictions. And when it’s a group of only women, we talk about what it’s like to date someone with a pornography issue. This is a serious obstacle, but taking time away from spiritual education in Sunday School or Relief Society every other month seems a tad excessive. I am proud that the conversation surrounding pornography is changing from being a subject clouded in shame to one igniting hope and faith in Jesus Christ, but as much as this change benefits those struggling with pornography, I’m worried that we’re going too far and accidentally hurting those who love the strugglers.

            Hope is a wonderful thing. By far, it is the best motivator for change as opposed to fear or shame. And for that reason, I believe it is the best tactic to use when trying to inspire someone to fight his/her addiction. But how helpful is it really to those who are dating someone with an addiction when they constantly hear stories about partners miraculously overcoming their pornography issue? Once, during a fast and testimony Sunday meeting, the first counselor in my bishopric talked about hope by detailing the account of his son’s struggle with pornography. While it was hard on this man’s family, eventually, the son was able to overcome his addiction and to be a wonderful husband and father to his wife and children. This story inspired numerous people to come up to the pulpit to give their two cents about this hot topic. The overall message was that those struggling should keep hoping, and that those who know or are dating those with a pornography problem shouldn’t judge or give up on their boyfriend/girlfriend. One person even went on to condemn Fight the New Drug because of their popular slogan “Porn Kills Love,” and said that even if someone uses porn, he/she does not kill love, but is still able to give and receive love. While these comments were well intentioned, they were disturbingly familiar. These were the kinds of comments that lingered in my mind when I was dating someone with a pornography addiction. And every time I considered breaking up with him, I remembered these hopeful stories and I questioned my own belief in the Atonement of Jesus Christ as if not standing by my boyfriend through his struggle would mean that I didn’t believe that his addiction could be taken away by God.

            ‘Standing by your man while he is battling pornography’ is the typical narrative I’ve found in Mormon culture. As of the last few years, I’ve begun to see how prevalent struggles with pornography are and I’ve been listening to story after story, ending in success or in heartbreak. But while much has been said about women struggling with their boyfriend’s/husband’s addiction, I have yet to hear one story which tells of a man staying with his girlfriend while she battles her addiction. This makes me wonder if this is truly just because women’s use of pornography isn’t talked about as much as men’s, or if men aren’t expected to stay with women that have a pornography problem the same way women are expected to stay with men who have the same issue. (If anyone has a story of a guy staying in a relationship and how his girlfriend’s pornography addiction and recovery or non-recovery affected him, please send it to me, I’d love to see the other side of this situation.)

            I’m inclined to believe the latter explanation because of the “give him a chance” attitude, which is present in Mormon dating culture. Women are encouraged by themselves, other women, or at times the men who are pursuing them to just “give him a chance” because “you might end up liking him.” While one would hope to be excited before a first date, the only thing I’ve felt before my last three first dates is dread. So why do I agree to go on dates I don’t want to go on? Because I’ve been told by many of my female friends “you should always agree to go on at least one date with a guy.” I also feel that I’m not allowed to refuse a date because “I’m not into him.” I need to feel creeped out or something needs to be wrong for it to be okay for me to not want to go out with a guy again. The opposite does not seem to be true. For example, two years ago I realized I was developing feelings for my then best friend. When I admitted this to him, he said he was flattered and had no logical reason not to like me except that he just didn’t see me that way. I accepted this explanation, got over the crush, and we’re still great friends. When some of my male acquaintances had the same experience, they chalked it up to the dreaded “friend-zone.” Basically, if a man isn’t attracted to a woman: What are you going to do? If a woman isn’t attracted to a man: she must just be shallow, and she needs to “give him a chance.” This concept of choice carries over to the issue of pornography addictions. While women always have the choice to leave a relationship because of a problem her partner has, the archetype of the female martyr is glorified to such an extent that not only does she often have unrealistic hope that her significant other will get over his addictions, but almost a societal obligation to stay in the relationship.

            I saw this societal norm perpetuated by a guest speaker brought in to talk to our Relief Society one Sunday. During his presentation (not lesson, full on presentation with a PowerPoint and everything) he mentioned the possibility of women having a problem with pornography all of two times, but focused mostly on what an addiction is, why men turn to pornography, and proper ways to respond to someone (specifically a significant other) telling you that they have a pornography addiction. Having heard this lecture many times, I knew the basic format. He said all the usual things and the audience asked all the usual questions. But when one woman asked how to bring up the topic of pornography use with a boyfriend, his answer caught my attention.

            “This is a good topic to bring up when you’re talking about your pasts when you start discussing your marriage, but you don’t want to bring up the topic of pornography use before then.”

            His answer shocked me. As someone who learned about a previous boyfriend’s problem with pornography months into the relationship, I knew first-hand, how muddled and illogical your mind can be when you find out about an addiction when you’re already emotionally invested. You don’t think straight, and if you’re like me, you think that staying in the relationship is the same as helping him. When that relationship ended, I promised myself that I wouldn’t tolerate pornography use in any exclusive relationship. Wanting to voice this view I asked:

            “Excuse me, but I know there are women here who, like me, have been hurt because their boyfriend’s pornography use changed how they treated us. And I know I personally don’t want to get into a serious relationship with a guy if porn is a current issue for him. So how would you suggest bringing up the topic earlier in a relationship?”

“Well young lady,” he answered, “I don’t think you should be dating right now. You are too broken and jaded to be able to see the situation clearly and you need to take time to heal. There is always going to be a chance you’ll get hurt because the person you’re dating has a pornography problem, and you’ll have to deal with it when you talk about getting married. You just have to risk it. And by having these kinds of expectations for the people you date, you are putting a wall of concrete around your heart and you will end up alone.”

            That afternoon I did a lot of self-reflection.

            “Am I broken?”

            “Am I expecting too much?”

            “Should I really not be dating?”

            Of course not.

            It’s not like that relationship was a month ago. I healed from that breakup and hurt a long time ago, but essentially this man was saying that because of my ex-boyfriend’s actions and how he hurt me, I should not be dating. I should not be dating because I’m broken and need to change my expectations before I can date. But at the same time, he was advocating that I go into a relationship not knowing if the guy I was dating had a pornography addiction. Because, apparently, it’s okay for a person who is currently addicted, whether they are fighting that addiction or not, to focus on sharing his life with someone else without going through the healing process first. He does not need to take time to heal what porn has broken. But it’s not okay for me, someone who was hurt by someone else, but has healed from that damage, to form romantic relationships because I’ve set standards so that I won’t go through that experience again.

            If we suggest that it’s not important to know if someone you’re dating exclusively has a pornography addiction, we are also unknowingly defending those with addictions and assuming that a partner only needs to know about the other’s pornography use if they are preparing for marriage. In effort to suppress the unintentional demonization of those who struggle with pornography, we seem to unconsciously imply to those they date that an addiction shouldn’t be a deal-breaker in relationships. According to some in the church, it is only a deal-breaker when it comes to marriage, and sometimes not even then. The therapist who came to my Relief Society mentioned that you shouldn’t ask about experiences with pornography until you are starting to talk about getting married, but he is not unique in that thought. Every presenter that my Stake has brought in to talk about pornography has agreed. This logic implies that pornography doesn’t hurt relationships, just marriage. But just as Fight the New Drug claims that “Porn Kills Love,” I can say from personal experience that pornography can destroy relationships. As Elder Oaks said back in 2005, the reality is that “pornography impairs one’s ability to enjoy a normal emotional, romantic, and spiritual relationship with a person of the opposite sex” (General Conference, April 2005). I and many people I know have seen how pornography can change someone you love because it chips away at his/her testimony, skews her/his priorities, and ultimately can cause him/her to treat you poorly.

            Now, I’m not suggesting that if you find out that someone you’re dating has a pornography issue that you should just drop them and run. Likewise, if you find out that one of your friends has an addiction you shouldn’t abandon him/her. The best thing you can do for someone struggling is to not judge and to love him/her. But you should never risk your own emotional well-being in the process. It’s time for us to stop being martyrs in relationships and to stop putting ourselves in emotional danger. It’s time to stand up for our standards. If you, personally, have a goal that you will not tolerate pornography in your relationships, then make that a standard for you and for those you seriously date. And once you’ve  made a standard, stay true to it.

            Despite what I was told that Sunday, I know I am not broken. Yes, I was hurting, but I was able to be healed through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and I have hope that the man who hurt me will be able to be healed as well. But just because I was healed does not mean I went back the same person I was before I was hurt. I’m not as naïve, I’m able to empathize more, I’m stronger, and I’ve finally learned how to stand up for myself. I’ve learned what I want in my life and don’t want. But most importantly, I was able to refocus on the woman I want to be, and I’ve learned that who I want to be does not compromise her standards. So no, I’m not broken. I’m experienced. And I won’t let society’s criticism of my standards undermine my new-found confidence in what I want and who I’m becoming.

Resources:

For many people, we didn’t go into our relationships knowing about a partner’s pornography addiction and it can be very difficult to know how to proceed after finding out. Do you break up? Do you help him/her by staying and being hands-on? For me, it wasn’t right to stay with my boyfriend indefinitely, but for some it might be and for some maybe you’re already married and want to see if you and your spouse can work through it together. So, I wanted to list a few of the things that helped me when I was trying to salvage my relationship and care for myself after finding out about my ex’s pornography problem (PSA, I’m not a psychologist or trained in matters of pornography, these just come from my personal experience):

•       In a recent BYU devotional and a recent “Face to Face” fireside for YSAs, Elder Ballard mentioned this about dating someone with a pornography problem: “Parents, family members, and friends can do much to help those in trouble by being willing to listen and offer support and encouragement. Nevertheless, boyfriends and girlfriends are not responsible to “save” their friends from sin, each person has that responsibility. Only you can decide, with the Lord’s help, how to proceed in a relationship where pornography plays a role in the lives [sic] of a potential future companion. If you choose to remain in a relationship with someone struggling with this temptation help him or her turn to God in prayer, in fasting, and in regular scripture study. Additionally, encourage visits with family members, priesthood leaders, and/or professional counselors to get additional help and support.”
•        February 2017 Ensign Article: “Heartbreak and Hope: When a Spouse Uses Pornography”
•       Honestly, I cannot recommend seeing a professional therapist more. It’s important to process your own thoughts and feelings about the situation.
•       Your bishop is also a good resource if you’re comfortable with talking to him about this.
•       The church’s Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) have meetings not just for those fighting addiction, but also for their loved ones. I went to some of the support group meetings and it really helped me learn more about pornography addiction and focus on my own healing process.